Im still alive. I am still trudging along. This has been a very long, emotional, busy, summer and it has finally come to an end. I am doing well. I have been better, I have been worse, but somewhere in the middle is not a horrible place to be. Work is finally slowing down a little so I have more time to write and study. Hopefully I will do a little better at keeping this updated. I would appreciate prayers and accountability on that part.
It is interesting to look back at the comments on some of the posts that I have written. There are some by complete strangers. Some that are contrary to my beliefs and, I believe, the Bible. I am more on the forefront of this battle than I thought. Lord, give me words and wisdom to give an answer. May Your word be spoken and Your Truth be realized.
I have found several books that have really anchored me and challenged what I thought being a godly man and husband means. I highly recommend reading Disciplines of a Godly Man, and The Exemplary Husband. Both are steeped in scripture and God-given wisdom. I will write more about those as I continue to work my way through those. Also, check out Third Option Men. It is a great website bringing men together for accountability.
Well, I am just checking in for today and hopefully you will hear more from me, I promise more meat in future posts. Love yall and pray hard....
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Great Red Ocean....
Inside me there is a great red ocean and I am drowning
The waves gently lap at my feet as I survey the expanse
Blood red water, inviting me to dive deep
Pristine, stoic, still and flat like a crimson mirror
Refreshing, filling me with pleasure like the harlot's eyes
Nothing good or eternal rises from the depths
Death lurks beneath the tantalizing surface
I know things I should do and those I should not
But I may as well be holding back the tides
I turn and run from the shore of flesh
I put behind me every touch, every kiss, every sensation
It terrifies me to be soo consumed and controlled by the depths of the red depths
Yet as I glance over my shoulder, the waves are still at my feet
Still brushing at my ankles, as enticing as before
I fall to my knees, desperate, crying out for redemption
Begging with every fiber of my soul to be released
Strength begins to flow through me and I find my feet
I stand on my own and take my own life, holding on tight
I will build a wall of sand, a fortress of dirt
I will fight back the tide, I will defeat the sea
My strength is sufficient for me, I will fight a battle never won
My defenses are strong and true, The tide shudders in my shadow
The waves cower at my feet as they slowly erode the sand
Behind my wall I am safe as the red seeps into my sanctuary
My safety, my self, my wall collapses under the waves of temptation
I dive once more into that beautiful scarlet sea
Inside me there is a great red ocean and I am drowning
Seems a little condemning and dooming doesn't it? There is no hope. I may as well be holding back the tide. This is how soo many people feel. Soo many people fight these internal battles that never have and never will be won. Soo many people start to feel a shred of strength and attempt to stand on their own. Soo many people will continue to fall and drown. So what are we doing to help them?
I can remember feeling like my temptations and desires controlled me. Like I had no option other than to succumb to them. I could count on one hand, no, on just a couple fingers, the days I could be proud of myself for staying clean and not giving in to my temptations. There was no hope. No hand to hold. No light to guide. I can't give myself hope. I can't hold my own hand for comfort. I can't give myself guidance. And yet I tried with every shred of myself to do just those things. Somebody please smack me across the forehead and show me how utterly rediculous I am being!
Paul called it his thorn in the side. I call it the curdled milk in my latte. A battle I will never win. A temptation I will always carry. But by which I will never have to be controlled. Jesus Christ has won the battle. "Hey little boy bury your sword, Jesus already won this war" ~Cool Hand Luke, "Heroes will be Heroes"
The waves gently lap at my feet as I survey the expanse
Blood red water, inviting me to dive deep
Pristine, stoic, still and flat like a crimson mirror
Refreshing, filling me with pleasure like the harlot's eyes
Nothing good or eternal rises from the depths
Death lurks beneath the tantalizing surface
I know things I should do and those I should not
But I may as well be holding back the tides
I turn and run from the shore of flesh
I put behind me every touch, every kiss, every sensation
It terrifies me to be soo consumed and controlled by the depths of the red depths
Yet as I glance over my shoulder, the waves are still at my feet
Still brushing at my ankles, as enticing as before
I fall to my knees, desperate, crying out for redemption
Begging with every fiber of my soul to be released
Strength begins to flow through me and I find my feet
I stand on my own and take my own life, holding on tight
I will build a wall of sand, a fortress of dirt
I will fight back the tide, I will defeat the sea
My strength is sufficient for me, I will fight a battle never won
My defenses are strong and true, The tide shudders in my shadow
The waves cower at my feet as they slowly erode the sand
Behind my wall I am safe as the red seeps into my sanctuary
My safety, my self, my wall collapses under the waves of temptation
I dive once more into that beautiful scarlet sea
Inside me there is a great red ocean and I am drowning
Seems a little condemning and dooming doesn't it? There is no hope. I may as well be holding back the tide. This is how soo many people feel. Soo many people fight these internal battles that never have and never will be won. Soo many people start to feel a shred of strength and attempt to stand on their own. Soo many people will continue to fall and drown. So what are we doing to help them?
I can remember feeling like my temptations and desires controlled me. Like I had no option other than to succumb to them. I could count on one hand, no, on just a couple fingers, the days I could be proud of myself for staying clean and not giving in to my temptations. There was no hope. No hand to hold. No light to guide. I can't give myself hope. I can't hold my own hand for comfort. I can't give myself guidance. And yet I tried with every shred of myself to do just those things. Somebody please smack me across the forehead and show me how utterly rediculous I am being!
Paul called it his thorn in the side. I call it the curdled milk in my latte. A battle I will never win. A temptation I will always carry. But by which I will never have to be controlled. Jesus Christ has won the battle. "Hey little boy bury your sword, Jesus already won this war" ~Cool Hand Luke, "Heroes will be Heroes"
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I could feel the fires getting closer.....
John 15:5-8 5 "I am the vine; (E) you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, (F) because you can do nothing without Me. 6 If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside (G) like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, (H) and they are burned. (I) 7 If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. (J) 8 My Father is glorified (K) by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be [a] My disciples
About a month ago my wife finally just asked me. Do you have a relationship with Christ? Excuse me? Of course I have a relationship with Christ. Then where's your fruit? I then spent the next week defending myself and my belief that I had a personal relationship with Christ. I grew up in the church. I said a prayer when I was 6. I rededicated my life when I was 13. I was a leader in my youth group....the list just keeps on going and going. The very fact that I became as defensive as I did and frustrated with both Amber and myself should have been a red flag. Where was my fruit? Where was my relationship?
In a completely God moment, that very week at church, Pastor Todd preached a sermon on a personal relationship with Christ that produced a life change and godly fruit. It was then that I realized that, no, I did not have a personal relationship with Christ. Sure, I said a prayer, I rededicated, I lead, I served, I even led others to Christ. But in that last statement there is no relationship. I was doing things my way. Needless to say, at the end of the sermon I went forward and talked to Pastor Todd and two weeks later I was baptized as a demonstration of my new life and relationship
I still struggle. I still stumble. But I now know that those slips, trips, and falls don't mean failure. I can't say for sure that before I was I was saved or not. I can now. I also know that ever since, I have not been tempted like I was, I have not failed like I used to.
I am now struggling to build habits and routines that build my relationship with Christ. I wake up an hour early everyday to read my Bible. When I have down time in the truck at work, I read my Bible. It has been amazing to share my story and see other people respond and be encouraged in their own walk. I feel that this is my ministry, telling my story, sharing peoples' hurts and struggles, and showing them that they are not alone in their sin. No one should feel like a freak and alone in theirown church or family. No one should have a church closet.....
About a month ago my wife finally just asked me. Do you have a relationship with Christ? Excuse me? Of course I have a relationship with Christ. Then where's your fruit? I then spent the next week defending myself and my belief that I had a personal relationship with Christ. I grew up in the church. I said a prayer when I was 6. I rededicated my life when I was 13. I was a leader in my youth group....the list just keeps on going and going. The very fact that I became as defensive as I did and frustrated with both Amber and myself should have been a red flag. Where was my fruit? Where was my relationship?
In a completely God moment, that very week at church, Pastor Todd preached a sermon on a personal relationship with Christ that produced a life change and godly fruit. It was then that I realized that, no, I did not have a personal relationship with Christ. Sure, I said a prayer, I rededicated, I lead, I served, I even led others to Christ. But in that last statement there is no relationship. I was doing things my way. Needless to say, at the end of the sermon I went forward and talked to Pastor Todd and two weeks later I was baptized as a demonstration of my new life and relationship
I still struggle. I still stumble. But I now know that those slips, trips, and falls don't mean failure. I can't say for sure that before I was I was saved or not. I can now. I also know that ever since, I have not been tempted like I was, I have not failed like I used to.
I am now struggling to build habits and routines that build my relationship with Christ. I wake up an hour early everyday to read my Bible. When I have down time in the truck at work, I read my Bible. It has been amazing to share my story and see other people respond and be encouraged in their own walk. I feel that this is my ministry, telling my story, sharing peoples' hurts and struggles, and showing them that they are not alone in their sin. No one should feel like a freak and alone in theirown church or family. No one should have a church closet.....
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
I am still alive....
I am still here, unless you were wondering. I was out of town on work and away from a computer for a week and a half. I am back now and ready to hit the grindstone. The time away was difficult because it was the longest Amber and I have been apart since we got married almost 2 years ago. It was a very long and tiring week and a half of early mornings and 15 hour work days. In the past, being stressed out, tired and lonely would have weakened my resolve and I would have sought "fulfillment" and "relief" in some very wrong places and people. I am happy, however, to report that I was what Amber calls a "good kid." a large part of this was due to the fact that I was getting up and going to work at 4:45 every morning and working 15+ hours a day and battling a chest cold all the time. Exhaustion and sickness tend to dampen your desires for the flesh.
The major crutch on which I leaned was my Bible. Specifically the Holman Christian Standard Bible for the Nook. My Nook has been a great blessing in that I can have my Bible with me in the work truck and I can whip it out whenever I need. I finished reading the book of John and moved in to Acts. I love how John chronicles the life and ministry of Christ, focusing on his miracles and signs, tangible evidences of his deity. John ends with the 40 days that Christ spends with the Disciples before his ascension. Acts seamlessly picks up the story with the day of Pentecost and the disciples going out and beginning their ministry.
I love the picture of the early Church in Acts. In chapter 2 it talks about how all the Believers sold all their possessions and shared everything as need be. They were in essence a communist society, based on a shared belief and faith in Jesus Christ. These early believers shared everything, their possessions, their homes, their worship, I would even presume their hurts and struggles. These people were human and struggled with the same exact sins that you and I face everyday. Can you imagine what our church today would look like if we shared in eachother's sins and struggles? If we were truly honest and open about our sins with eachother? If we saw sins as simply that, sins, not something that defines a person and makes them untouchable?
That is what No Church Closets is about. There should be no secrets between believers. We should be supporting eachother in our battles and struggles. The church should be a place where the Bad Boy is welcomed and encouraged, loved and treated as a precious creation in God's eyes, not as a freak. Why are the tax-collectors and harlots hated and shunned in the church, when those are the very ones Christ came to save? I want you to come out of your church closet. I want you to love as Jesus did. I want to love as Jesus did
The major crutch on which I leaned was my Bible. Specifically the Holman Christian Standard Bible for the Nook. My Nook has been a great blessing in that I can have my Bible with me in the work truck and I can whip it out whenever I need. I finished reading the book of John and moved in to Acts. I love how John chronicles the life and ministry of Christ, focusing on his miracles and signs, tangible evidences of his deity. John ends with the 40 days that Christ spends with the Disciples before his ascension. Acts seamlessly picks up the story with the day of Pentecost and the disciples going out and beginning their ministry.
I love the picture of the early Church in Acts. In chapter 2 it talks about how all the Believers sold all their possessions and shared everything as need be. They were in essence a communist society, based on a shared belief and faith in Jesus Christ. These early believers shared everything, their possessions, their homes, their worship, I would even presume their hurts and struggles. These people were human and struggled with the same exact sins that you and I face everyday. Can you imagine what our church today would look like if we shared in eachother's sins and struggles? If we were truly honest and open about our sins with eachother? If we saw sins as simply that, sins, not something that defines a person and makes them untouchable?
That is what No Church Closets is about. There should be no secrets between believers. We should be supporting eachother in our battles and struggles. The church should be a place where the Bad Boy is welcomed and encouraged, loved and treated as a precious creation in God's eyes, not as a freak. Why are the tax-collectors and harlots hated and shunned in the church, when those are the very ones Christ came to save? I want you to come out of your church closet. I want you to love as Jesus did. I want to love as Jesus did
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Colossians 1:9-14
9 For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven't stopped praying for you. We are asking (K) that you may be filled with the knowledge (L) of His will (M) in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, 10 so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing [to Him], bearing fruit in every good work (N) and growing in the knowledge of God. (O) 11 May you be strengthened (P) with all power, (Q) according to His glorious (R) might, for all endurance and patience, with joy 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you [e] to share in the saints' [f] inheritance in the light. (S) 13 He has rescued (T) us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom (U) of the Son (V) He loves, (W) 14 in whom we have redemption, [g] the forgiveness of sins.
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